Yesterday was just…wow…
It started off innocently. I woke up to my beau kissing me goodbye and watching an hour of TV before I decided to begin working. I had plans with my mother and sister to spend the day together at the mall around noon. They picked me up and off we went to Palm Beach Gardens.
Something felt off. I couldn’t quite pinpoint it but something just felt strange. It was something in the air. Some kind of tension. Later on I would discover that this was only something that I had felt. Because in my mind, it was time to unleash the feelings I had since I hadn’t spent time with the two of them in one place in a very long time.
The place inside of me that I had hidden so many feelings was ready to burst.
I don’t know how it started. My mom had left Caitlin and me alone together to shop. We made typical sister small talk like normal and it somehow landed on the topic of our upbringing and how some parts were really fucked up. I poured everything out.
My tears were long past due. I spoke to my sister about how lonely I feel and how much I dislike certain parts of me. I spoke of old memories and secrets that I had hidden so deep inside of me. You, my darling readers, thought you knew everything about me. You’re wrong. And you always will be. The only person who will ever see that dark side of me is my journal. I would surely be committed if anyone read through my diary entries.
The talk between my sister and I should’ve happened years ago. Yesterday was the first time in awhile that I felt we really and truly connected. Caitlin held my hand and listened to me without breaking eye contact. She even apologized for all the times that she and Robbie ignored me.
I told her of the sadness and isolation I feel. Sure, I have friends but they are spread out all over the world. I also just hole up completely when I feel any sadness. I don’t want to be touched or seen. It will always stay in my mind that I’m weak if I cry. I’m weak if any of those dark secrets come out.
My sister held me and suggested that I speak to our mom. I mentioned something else to Caitlin that she knows and some of my close friends know. It’s something that I’ve never been able to openly admit on the blog for fear of my mom finding out. Caitlin told me that I would know when it’s time to tell her.
I decided that day had come.
On the drive back to my apartment, I broke down once again. I let out so many things and still it felt like the holes in my heart weren’t shrinking. I lamented to my mother that I felt as if she brushed things off and didn’t truly listen. I told her about my deepest and darkest thoughts. She sat there stunned.
“And another thing…”, I choked up.
I contemplated telling her because of her strict Catholic beliefs. I stuttered a couple times before I just said it:
“Mom, the reason I am so adamant about gay marriage is because… I’m a little gay myself. I’m bisexual. And it’s not just a phase either.”
She stared at me with an unreadable expression.
“I’ve felt this way since I was 15. I’ve been with girls and I know that I like them. I like both men and women. I just do. I have loved another girl before. Caitlin has known since I was 18.”
Finally, my mom reached out to hold my hand. She told me she didn’t care that I liked women. She tried to console me but I knew it was something that shocked her. To be honest, I’m actually surprised that she was so shocked that one of her kids wasn’t straight.
We ended our meeting when we arrived to my place. I hugged them both but held on to Caitlin for a little longer. I thanked her for being there for me. I especially thanked God for having a sister like her.
Ugh, thank you so much.