Sunday Thoughts: “This Is All We Can Ever Be” By Allie Adams

Hooking up is a delicate creature. So much uncertainty and excitement leading up to one brief, yet seemingly endless moment and the inevitable beginning of many last minute “are you awake” texts, ignored phone calls, 1 am booty calls and seething judgement from your religiously zealous mother who wishes you’d just get married already. Life doesn’t always allow for a long-term partner (hello, 60 hour work week) and sometimes a hookup is exactly what you need. Unfortunately, we do not live in a culture in which that is completely acceptable, especially as women. We live in a marriage culture that subtly shames sex for the sake of pleasure or convenience or need. As common as the friends-with-benefits situation is, sex is still somehow perceived as immoral if it doesn’t happen within the boundaries of a committed relationship or marriage. Thank you, Judeo-Christian rite of our forefathers.

This can complicate roles in a purely sexual relationship because we are conditioned to seek out partnerships that end in marriage, and we subconsciously apply those same expectations to ANY sexual relationship, regardless of the intent, unless a conscious effort is made to break free from that traditional school of thought. I also find it interesting that some guys automatically assume because you’re female you’d rather be in a relationship, when in reality I am cold-hearted and will slowly kill you with longing and desire for the side of me you will never know or see.

So, what to do? It’s actually not that hard once you set some ground rules for yourself and understand the psychology.

  1. The Hell Yes Rule: Don’t bang just any guy. Make sure that when you look at him and he touches you, you internally scream “Fuck Yeah!”. Life’s too short for mediocre sex with guys of average character and radiance. Someone infinitely better will always come along and you’ll be glad you didn’t settle for that dude that you kinda liked just enough.

  2. The Inverse of Rule Number 1: Don’t bang someone who isn’t “Fuck Yeah!” about hanging out with you. Or going down on you. Again, life is too short to spend it with people who aren’t excited to be in your glorious presence and worship your body.

  3. Be upfront with your expectations from the beginning. Make that first hook up how you want the rest of them to go and be vocal about what you are looking for. One of my better alliances began with the very title of this article: “This is all we can ever be”. I was fresh out of a relationship and he was touring with a band frequently, so that lifted a lot of obligation from either of us and set the fun, casual tone for our time together.

  4. Have your own shit going on. I mean, like, be busy. You’re going to think about the dudes you have banged. It’s natural and unavoidable and we all do it, sometimes to excess. Being busy not only helps keep your mind occupied, but also forces you to be less available, which in turn makes you seem a whole lot more desirable for whatever reason.

  5. Just chill. So he doesn’t text you back right away or ignores your call. Whatever. He’s not your man, maybe he’s working or shopping or kickin’ it with his homies. If you don’t like it, don’t see him again, but there is no use getting upset about it. And similarly, if he is hitting you up too much, feel free to ignore the shit outta those calls. There is so much beauty in the chill.

  6. You will catch feelings, it’s unavoidable. You will feel a twinge when you see them talking to someone else. This is natural because love is unpredictable and comes in many forms and levels of intensity. You can still love someone and appreciate them without wanting to be in a committed relationship with them. And you can still love and appreciate their friendship while they simultaneously love others in different ways.

Hooking up is empowering and exciting and joyful and I don’t like when it’s talked about in a negative or pained way. It will always be a little dicey, because it is sex and well, sex is messy. But if we can move past the awkwardness, embrace it, and love all of our partners and the experiences they provide us, then we will begin the cosmic shift of consciousness towards complete sexual acceptance and freedom.

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