It’s 11:06 PM and I’m sitting on my new balcony.
I have so many things I’m supposed to write up but I can’t think of anything else except my own inner thoughts. I’m honestly baffled at this. What a change in me! Months ago, I would’ve set my feelings aside and thought of only work. But I just have to write this down.
The past week has been emotional for me. I’ve taken a giant leap of faith and left my comfortable job and apartment to pursue the things I love the most: B and the blog. I’ve told you about my panic attacks before and how my mind starts drifting from reality when I’m faced with any kind of fear. Even if I am unaware why I’m scared.
I spent a lot of time with my mom today and kind of poured my heart out to her. I let out so many things I’ve been bottling up this past week. I’m terrified of everything blowing up in my face again. I’m terrified of myself and my feelings.
My heart can be cold at times. When someone does me wrong, I see red. I don’t just yell out random insults; I calmly rip their hearts out with my words. When I “see red”, I go through my mind and memories with them and find what I know will break them. It’s sick.
Like Christian Grey. I resonated with his character so much. He was traumatized and hurt as a child so, naturally, he became a sadist. He wants people to feel the cigarette burns he felt twenty years prior. Women represent the mother who neglected him as a child. He wanted revenge.
As I sobbed and listed the people I’ve hurt, my mom nodded along without saying a word. I went through it all.
“When She(referring to a friend) screwed Him(referring to an ex), I responded by sleeping with the guy She was in love with and dating my ex’s good friend”
“When he made a jab at the fact that dad doesn’t financially support me, I said, ‘At least my father didn’t abandon me as a child'” (Referring to a friend who once told me the reason he did drugs was because his father left him without saying a word)
“When He (referring to someone in the family) told me I embarrassed him with some of the things I spoke about on the blog, I reminded him that he was supposed to be my role model but instead he’s the heroin addict/fuck up of the family”
My mom held my hand. I could see her heart breaking for the sad little girl in front of her. This was a rare moment for my mother. Her youngest kid, who had always been touted as the strongest and most mature of the bunch, exposing her true vulnerability.
“Meg, that’s not you…”
“No, it is. No amount of Lexapro, Cymbalta, or Zoloft can fix that.”
She took a deep breath.
“You need to get out of your mind. You had a strange upbringing. You were exposed to quite a bit of trauma as a child then you suddenly had to grow up very quickly. You didn’t have enough time to process everything. You resent life because of everything that happened to you in the past. The sooner you let go, the sooner you will feel better.”
Just like that, the holes in my heart began to shrink little by little. My mom is right: I can hold on to the past and continue to feel hatred or I can move on and be happy. So, I am taking a vow right here, on TheRetiredModels.com at 12:14 AM, to let go of the anger I have stored deep in my heart.
I hope this post has maybe helped some of you who are going through the same thing.