The day has arrived! I’m going to New York for an amazing weekend.
My flight had originally been for 6 AM and I set my alarm and everything last night at 11. TOO BAD IT DIDN’T GO OFF. I even woke up at 5 AM like sleeping beauty and thought to myself, “Wow, good for me, I’m waking up before my alarm even goes off”. Nope.
Anyways, I’m instead flying out at 11:45 AM and will be there at 2:29 PM. I decided to write a BuzzFeed-style list about the typical thoughts you have at the airport/my experience at PBI.
1. Is this self check-in or nah?
2. Okay, dope, this is easy as fuck. I love these little scanning machines.
3. Wait, no, I don’t. Thank you for constantly reminding me that I am sitting in economy and NO I DO NOT WANT ECONOMY PLUS. If I’m going to upgrade, it’s first-class or bust.
4. Does this lady need to sign anything because why is she staring at me?
5. I want to look her straight in the eye and whisper, “Bish, whet?”
6. I really should’ve worn a flat of some kind.
7. Alright, if my carry-on could just fit on the escalator with me and not fall that would be lovely.
8. Almost fell face first down these godforsaken descending steps. SWEET.
9. YESSSS, no line for TSA check-in.
10. Swerve right, swerve left, swerve.
11. Dayum, the guy who is checking my passport is hot as hell. Whatchu doin’ working here?
12. He told me he liked my hat and I almost said, “not as much as I like your face, cowboy”. #nope
13. Grab three of those bins because computer, backpack, carryon, hat, boots, jacket. Yet people born after 19-whatever can keep on shoes and light coats. They could be smuggling drugs too though so I don’t understand.
14. If I was a drug dealer, I would for sure put drugs in my child’s diaper.
15. That’s horrible, I shouldn’t have said that but I would still do it. YOLO
16. The TSA people are now glaring at me. I feel like they can read my thoughts. Why are they so scary?
17. They definitely think I’m a drug dealer or terrorist.
18. This lady is for sure going to think my steamer is a weapon.
19. “Please step in and raise your hands above your head, young lady”
20. First of all, I travel quite often and I know how to do this by now. Second of all, this guy looks and talks just like my father.
22. Is the law firm not doing too well?
23. I love how after your body is scanned, they motion their hand like “don’t move”. I don’t know why this is so funny to me. I need sleep.
24. Gate C2. Boom, got it.
25. Picking your seat to chill in before boarding is probably the most awkward thing.
26. There’s a sweet, fly-over state looking girl. I’m going to sit next to her. She looks like she smells like baked goods.
27. Nope. Smells like “Daisy” by Marc Jacobs. Good choice, homie.
28. Wait, she has the widest brim hat that I’ve ever seen. I’m going to take a pic.
30. There is a fucking child in front of me that is digging deep into his nose and the mother is reading the newspaper. I feel like she knows but she’s just like “fuck I can’t with you right now. You’re the 4th child and I’m just tired”. I feel like her grande Starbucks cup is in fact filled with a 2014 Chardonnay.
31. Disgusting. I hope I never am that woman when I’m older. You can always tell when someone drinks chardonnay because they constantly reek of it. I feel like there’s a section at Bed, Bath, and Beyond that carries Robert Mondavi scented shampoo next to a DVD package of Gone With the Wind, The Notebook, and Serendipity.
32. It’s always so weird to fly out of this airport because this it’s so small and WPB is such a small town. Looking around at my fellow passengers, I’m like “why don’t I know you where did you go to high school “
33. Ooooh, gurl, we boarding in 9 minutes.
34. The guy over the intercom just made an announcement and he finished it with “Continue to people watch…”
35. TSA Agents definitely read minds.
36. There are two types of people who work in airports: the ones who look like they’re two minutes from ending it all and the ones who are really really happy and have funky pins and shit.
37. You know the really happy ones have kids and force them to go on camping trips and wear the same clothes as your sibling.
38. Fuck this zone shit.
39. Stop staring at my carry-on. I know it can fit because it’s fit before and I’ve had it for two years. Don’t try me, Delta Agent.
40. OOooooh, it’s time. We goin’ we goin’. (After a 45 minute boarding process, of course).
I can’t wait to see Manhattan and my beloved partner, Abie. Stay tuned, we are going to be documenting this whole thing.