Should I Stay or Should I Go?

“It’s always the same dream…”, Anna Sophia Robb begins.

Some 80’s song comes on and it shows the curly blond walking through New York with a dazed look. She talks about how in her dream she walks through Manhattan and feels the sense of belonging. I’m describing the beginning of the pilot from The Carrie Diaries. Whats strange is that I wrote something very similar in my diary during the summer:

” I’ve been having the weirdest dreams lately. Its me wandering through a post-apocalyptic New York and I’m following what seems like the only man alive. I can’t see his face. I only see his back. I follow him throughout Central Park, Meat Packing district, and FiDI. Probably because those are my favorite places. I don’t know if it’s him (I’m referring to The Ex) but I keep following this person. WHAT DOES THIS EVEN MEAN, SUBCONSCIOUS?”

-June 16, 2014

It probably had something to do with my heartbreak over The Ex. But why New York?

My friend, Yaya, recently traveled to Manhattan with her boyfriend. I’ve been following her Instagram uploads religiously and from the looks of it, she’s having an amazing time. I knew she would. She doesn’t belong in Palm Beach County. She’s a creative one with a no-nonsense attitude. She’s a bitch but I love her. I sent her a text.

Megan: How much do you feel at home right now?

Yaya: I wanna cry because I never wanna come home. Can you just move here with me?

My heart broke a little for two reasons. First, I know how I felt when I went there for the first time. Magical, unstoppable, and at-home. It brought back memories from the Murray Hill apartment I used to live in with my four best friends. The second reason, was because I knew how devastated she would feel on the plane ride back.

I’ve lived in Florida up until I was 15 basically. It never felt like a place to call “home” no matter what. I felt more natural in places like New York and Tokyo, which doesn’t make sense. But in those places, I was in my element and with “my people”. People who didn’t care as much about going to the beach or wearing bright colors. People in these cities marched to the beat of their own drums, just like I did.

I guess where I am going with this is that I’m homesick. I love Palm Beach but staring at my friends photos and status’s about all of the things I’m missing sucks. I could go to Manhattan and stay with Abie but there is a part of me that’s saying “stay here and be stable for once in your life, Megan”. That’s the rational side of me. Then there is the devil on my shoulder saying, “Come on, you know you want to.” Since I am hopped up on adderall, I’ve decided to make a pros and cons list regarding New York.

PRO: It’s New York. I don’t even really need to go deeper into that.

CON: This is also Palm Beach. Where I have somehow wrangled a cheap studio apartment that’s down the street from the beach.

PRO: My friends. New York is a fashion industry mecca. Although my friends are scattered around the world, it’s much more likely that they will visit New York City for a job than Palm Beach, Florida.

CON: My Florida friends. I don’t know if I could bear to be apart from Yaya, Dominic, Jenny, Cathleen, and Rachel P. These people are my sanity in this small town and I love them to death.

PRO: Abie lives in NYC. If we were together, we could get a lot more work done regarding TheRetiredModels. Also, we’d be in the freaking city. We’d be surrounded by people we want to interview and events we want to cover. If the blog is doing so well when we are this far apart, imagine how much it would blow up if we were together and working 2x as hard? Also, could do some acting jobs on the side.

CON: I do love my job here and my boss who gives me free legal advice that saves me thousands.

PRO: New York is easy to get around. I would be saving $300 a month from my uber bills.

CON: Rent would be ridiculously expensive to share (again) a room for more than what I’m paying to live on my own down here.

And, the biggest con?!

CON! CON! CON! : Brandon. The love of my life. The person that I know I’m going to be with forever and ever. I know you guys will read that and laugh about how young and naive I am but it’s true. When you know, you just know. I thought the same about The Ex but I was going through a difficult and crazy period of my life where I was mentally unstable and without Zoloft. With a clear head and real goals, I know that I want to be with him forever. He’s my Brandon. Everyone knows it. Even his somewhat pessimistic but realistic sister. He was talking to her on the phone the other day and asked her when she’s going to get pregnant with her husband. Her response was, “Probably after you and Megan get married”. He jokingly replied, “You mean in six weeks? Jajajaja”. I know he knows too because he’s told his friends that I am the one. Yes, I’m twenty but I think theres the growing-together pro with marrying young. Obviously, Brandon and I aren’t getting married anytime too soon. But we will one day. I know that we could do the long distance thing but I need him. I can’t leave him.


Megan Kennedy

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