New Girl (No, Not the Show…)

I recently saw a GIF of Beyonce struttin’ her stuff with the caption “When u see yo ex” and I got a little chuckle out of it.

Why it’s so funny to me is because of how true it is. No matter how in love with your new beau you are or whatever, you still always want to show up your ex. The whole “look at me now” concept. Maybe it’s the idea of revenge and somehow it cures our heartbreaks.

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I recently heard from a friend that The Ex has a new girl. That name doesn’t do her justice because he LOVES her. The friend saw them out together and immediately reported to me about it and as I go to check my Instagram, there’s a picture of them together with his mother. Oh.

I love Brandon more than anything and I wouldn’t give him up for the world so I don’t know why this stung so much. Maybe it’s because he was my first love and I can’t imagine him being able to be with anyone else but me. He always reiterated that he would never love anyone as much as me so maybe that’s why it’s so shocking. It’s the same feeling I get when Brandon accidentally talks about his past girlfriends. The idea of Brandon ever being with anyone but me KILLS me. We actually have a joke where if we ever mention any of our exes, we exclaim, “NO BECAUSE YOU WERE A VIRGIN WHEN I MET YOU AND YOU HAVE ONLY EVER HAD SEX WITH ME”. No matter how often we repeat this, our past is our past and we can never escape from it.

The Ex’s new girlfriend/lover is beautiful. I have to give her that because it’s true. She has Brooke Shields eyebrows and it kind of makes me want to skin her alive. She’s also successful in her career. SHE’S OLD THOUGH. Old meaning about eight years older than me and a lot more age appropriate for him. It’s probably something within my egotistical subconscious. Think of all the times your friends have comforted you after a breakup. What’s the one thing they always say? “SHE’S NOT EVEN PRETTY”. She could be Candice Swanepol and your homegirls will still say that. Oh God, can you imagine if your ex dated f*cking Candice Swanepol after you?! I’d kill myself.

Because of my sociopathic ways in the past, I never felt anything when I saw exes out with new girls. It was almost a relief. The only ever time I did it was with someone we will call “A”. He was the guy that I cheated on The Ex with. I saw him out when I was on down time with The Ex. I saw him sitting at a table doing his typical bobbing to music and OH WHO THE F*CK IS THAT NEXT TO YOU? A gorgeous, thin brunette emerged from ducking and grabbed his hand to dance. He grabbed her face and kissed her passionately the way that he had once did to me. Karma basically extinguished her cigarette in my heart. I tried to ignore it but my eyes kept drifting back to what looked like post-coital-bliss-in-da-club. After one too many, I texted him: she looks like Katie Holmes when Katie Holmes was with Tom Cruise when he went all Scientology and she looked depressed because Dawson’s Creek was no longer on.

I kid you not. When I woke up the next day, I opened a text from him.

Hahahaha. She does look like Katie Holmes.

I wanted to jump through the screen and pummel his perfect bone-structured face.

IT IS SUCH A DOUBLE STANDARD! I was with the f*cking Ex! I had no right to go crazy on him. I asked my girlfriend the other day, “Have you ever cheated?” and she nodded. She explained that he wasn’t fulfilling her at the time due to his busy schedule. I rolled my eyes from the familiarity. I then asked her what she would do if he cheated on her.

“Oh, I’d kill him without hesitation.”

Side note: You know how you always think of all the good times after your breakup? As a healthier person, I look at both things. Yes, The Ex and I had wonderful times and he was the one who opened me up emotionally. But it wasn’t always like that. One thing that tore me up was when I rushed a friend to the ER after she tried killing herself (another article, guys) and he wouldn’t see me that night. HE WAS TOO TIRED FROM GOING TO DINNER WITH HIS MOTHER. I was baffled. I had just walked in on a gruesome scene and was on so much klonopin to deal with the panic attacks and this f*cker wouldn’t come see me. If that had been Brandon, he would’ve spent the night in the hospital regardless of anything in the world.

Honestly, if Brandon ever breaks up with me (WHICH I WON’T LET HIM), I pray for the girl he dates next. I’m happy for The Ex in a way because she’s probably a lot better for him and he looks happy. If given the option between Brandon and anyone in the world, it will always be Brandon. I used to think that nobody would ever understand me the way that The Ex did but Jesus Christ, Brandon is on the money. He knows me to my core. He knows how to calm me down and will always be there without a doubt. He’s seen me at my craziest and puts up with my multiple personalities. I love him to the end of time.

SO IF YOU’RE READING THIS, DON’T GET ANY IDEAS ABOUT LEAVING ME ANYTIME SOON.

xx,

 Megan Kennedy


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