“Calm the fuck down. There’s probably just some ketamine in it. Enjoy it.”, a stranger said.
He grabbed my arm and pulled up so I would be sitting up straight on the couch. Scott Disick was outside, drunk out of his mind and talking animatedly with his hands. Everything felt amplified and a little bit slower. I felt like I would just collapse if I stood up so I sat on the couch for hours and observed everything. I felt outside of myself.
It wasn’t necessarily a bad feeling. It was relaxing but also a little scary too. I felt like I would be stuck in this high for the rest of my life. I would later learn that this is what’s called a “k-hole”. It took me about three days to feel fully like myself again. I decided to be a little more careful after that and only get my cocaine from people I trusted. Around this time, I became friends with the drug dealer I spoke of in my earlier blog post.
C and I also became friends around this time as well. We started cutting up my Adderall and mixing it with cocaine. We called our special concoction “creamsicle lines”. I started experimenting with other drugs as well.
I fell in love with Molly. I tried it for the first time with C, M, and a couple other friends. We put it in a water bottle and kept taking chugs from it. It hit me when I was lying on the couch with M and our legs were intertwined. I looked at her and remarked that she looked like a baby kitten. Next, came the giggles.
“Oh my GOD! Oh. My. God. You are so cute!”, I exclaimed in between laughter.
She licked her paws and began meowing and I couldn’t breathe.
“Wait, is this the fucking molly? Is this real shit?”, I managed to say.
C nodded and instructed me to go look in the bathroom mirror with her. I stared at the girl who was looking back at me. She looked just like me. Oh, fuck! That was me! I rubbed my face and my own touch felt so foreign to me. I turned to C and asked her to slap me like in the movie Thirteen.
I started smiling and then I asked if we could go dance. On the way to the club, I became Madonna and Jay Z. I was rolling. It was incredible. Dancing felt even better. I didn’t even know what my body was doing but it just felt so good. Everything was great. My cheeks hurt from smiling so much.
My career began to fall apart at this time. I was missing castings and not returning phone calls. My agent sent me this email and decided to remove me from the website until I showed that I was dedicated to my career.
I decided to clean up my act a little bit more and keep modeling a bit longer. I resented modeling at this point and I just didn’t care anymore. I just wanted to make money and go on about my life. Modeling was no longer fun for me.
I booked several jobs and landed a Tommy Hilfiger Japan campaign. I was still doing copious amounts of blow but I was a little bit more focused on my career than I had been before.
I was dating The Ex around this time and he didn’t do drugs so it was nice to be around him. He began going out less and less because of his career and I didn’t mind staying in with him. He knew that I did cocaine but only to a certain extent. I lied and hid it from him as best as I could. Only my close friends would ever see me unravel.
I continued to experiment and try out new drugs. I tried shrooms, ecstacy, and edibles. I had an amazing time on shrooms and ecstasy but the edibles made me way too disoriented and sick. I decided that I would just stick to coke.
Stay tuned for part 3 where I become sober and what made me stop abusint cocaine.