Tokyo Thoughts

Found this in my TextEdit archives from when I was 17 in Tokyo…

I feel so strange because I want to leave Tokyo so badly yet something in my heart doesn’t exactly want to. I keep asking myself silly questions and trying to remember mundane details. What was my last day in the model van? What was my last casting even for? Will I ever see these people again? Do I want to? What was the last song I danced to in Jumanji? and the final one that’s really getting me is: What will Tokyo be like when I come back?

That last question makes my heart pound. I hate thinking about the future. What am I going to do? What is it going to be like when I go home? I’m terrified. Everything is terrifying. I can’t think too much into things because my mind comes up with one thousand different scenarios in a minute.

——

I keep wondering if the people I met here are actually my friends. Even though we spend almost every day together it feels artificial and fleeting. Are we really friends or are we just floating around, clinging to the nearest person who seems to understand our language and life? Are we just using each other so we don’t have to get crepes in Harajuku by ourselves? Tokyo has this incredible power of making you feel so welcomed and at home while making you feel so locked out and alone.

Why do I feel so different this time? A year ago, it was the most magical time of my life and the happiest I had ever been. It makes me wonder, If this is the happiest I’m supposed to be, what will it be like when I’m gone?

Look at me. I’m writing my sacred thoughts on TextEdit.

At Jumanji with Marcel Pawlas, Emily Bester, and  Anja K. Photo by Marcel Pawlas.
At Jumanji with Marcel Pawlas, Emily Bester, and Anja K.
Photo by Marcel Pawlas.

So strange to think about and read now.


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