Last night was a bit rough. I got off of work at 11PM and walked to my apartment where I face planted on my bed. I fell asleep after about 20 minutes and was having a nice dream. I woke at 4 AM to “Enter The Ninja” blasting on my phone with a goofy picture of my friend. Getting calls between 2:30 AM-8 AM either means a boy is lonely, someone was arrested, or death.
I answered the phone to a distraught friend. I could barely hear her over her hysteria. I told her to calm down and that I would be there in 15 minutes. I rolled out of bed and threw on a pair of LuluLemons and a cotton shirt. I sparked up a cigarette while waiting for my Uber. Fuck.
I arrived at her apartment 15 minutes later, bleary eyed and trying to stay positive. She opened her door and fell into my arms. I stroked her hair and continued to repeat, “It’s gonna be okay. I promise. Shhh.”
She explained that a boy broke her heart and her friends had been mean to her that night.
“I will never find a normal guy.”
I wanted to blurt out, “Not if you keep going for assholes!” but I held back.
I feel for my friend. I really do. At some point, it does become annoying. My friends are constantly complaining about how shitty the guys in their life are.
“You’ve been so lucky with guys, Megan. What is your secret?” is a phrase heard way too often.
Why I have been so lucky is because I don’t date assholes. I have dated a wide variety of different guys: the model boy, the business man, the student, the free spirit, the rich guy, the Persian, the Italian, the English, etc.
Here are my dating rules/requirements:
We can play “the game” at first but I quickly get bored.
If you are still trying to get me to chase you after two weeks, I’m onto the next. I don’t have time for stupid games. Either you like me or you don’t. Simple as that.
You MUST have a personality.
You can usually tell by how clever someone is over text. Smart and funny = sexy. The relationships I’ve had with the not-so-great looking guys have lasted much longer than the pretty boys with no brains. Also, the sex was better.
3. You have to have some sense of style.
Not saying you need to wear Ferragamos all the time, just make sure your H&M combos match and look good.
4. Don’t be an asshole to anyone.
If we are dining out and you are rude to the waiter for no apparent reason, this isn’t going to work.
I feel like I cannot stress this enough.
Stop going for the asshole guy.
Some of you know exactly what you’re doing and blame it on “daddy-issues”. I get it. I have daddy-issues as well but that has helped me. I want someone who is the opposite of my dad. He is an example of what I don’t want. Get. That. Through. Your. Heads.
Next time some not-so-great-looking guy comes up to you in a bar, don’t wince at him. Don’t just swat him away because he doesn’t look like Sean O’Pry. The relationships that I have had in the past with the not-so-great-looking guys have turned out to be the best of my life and I don’t regret any of them.
It is fun to sleep with the hot guy who’s not the sharpest tool in the shed but from my experience, it becomes boring quite quickly. It’s like pulling teeth trying to talk to them. Also, they are not relationship types. Ever.
In conclusion, the reason I am so lucky with guys is because I look beyond the face. Can he make me laugh? Does he make me feel at ease? Is he polite?
I don’t keep guys around if I don’t like them no matter how good he is in bed because I just end up feeling empty and alone.
Megan of The Retired Models