The worst thing in the world is hearing a guy cry. This morning I woke up to a phone call from Brandon. My phone blared “Hold Me” by Cherub and a photo of us kissing popped up on my screen. Even in my sleepy state, I smiled.
“Hi babe.”, I whispered groggily.
“Hey.”, he said with a cracked voice.
“Oh, no, what happened?”, I immediately sobered from my slumber and sat up, bracing myself for the worst.
“My uncle’s best friend just died. I’m sorry to wake you with this but I’m really upset and I think I need to go to Boston this weekend.”
I knew who he was talking about because he had shared so many stories of this man before. I felt crushed for Brandon. I’m still not the best with emotions and I never know what to say in situations like this.
“Oh.. God, babe… I’m so sorry.”, I murmured, my heart breaking with every sniffle I heard over the phone. My poor Brandon.
He was silent for a moment and I knew his sadness was taking over.
“It’s okay. It’s just really shocking and sad. Uncle Mike is really devastated right now.”
I shook my head. Fuck, I hate death. I hated the sound of Brandon sad more than anything. I tried to offer my condolences and we spoke a bit more before he had to get back to work.
I still have such a hard time with processing emotions. The Ex was the one who knocked those down only a year ago so I still am not used to it. I had seen The Ex cry before and I didn’t know what to do except be silent and rub his back.
When I was an emotionless robot, another ex had called me in a sad state. I guess we will call him Ex #2. We had gotten into a fight and I had said something really cruel about him and his father. I remember reading in bed when Ex #2 phoned me. He had too much to drink and he was just letting it pour out.
“Megan, I don’t think you understand what you’ve done. You can apologize as much as you want but you fucking broke me. Y-Y-You broke my fucking heart!”, Ex #2 hiccuped.
I was silent. I didn’t know what to say back. This was a man in his 20’s calling me, a fresh 18 year old. I kept going to speak and then I would hold back. What the fuck do I even say to this?
Ex #2 waited for my answer and I could hear his sniffling and moans. It registered to me that I had really hurt him and I felt bad but I couldn’t muster a single tear. What was wrong with me?
“Are you going to say anything!?”
“I-I-I-‘m sorry. I don’t know.. I just.. I just don’t know! I’m sorry. I can’t do anything to take it back and that makes me feel like shit.”, I finally spoke.
“You don’t understand that you hurt people. You’re a horrible person, Megan. I never want to see you again, I don’t think.”
I couldn’t take all of this emotionalizing. It was driving me nuts. I felt helpless. I didn’t know how to console a grown man.
“Babe, I think maybe we should talk when you are sober. And, maybe face-to-face.”
I almost felt him violently shaking his head through the phone.
“No!! You can’t say that. You’re not allowed to turn this around. You are … You’re… A heartless bitch.”
That was the last time we spoke to each other. It made me sad. It really did. I just didn’t know how to feel or what to do. I had a barbed wire around my heart. I didn’t even want to give him a call days later. It wasn’t something I wanted to deal with which is fucked up on so many levels. It was so easy for me to let go.
I will never ever forget the sound of his voice and how shaken up he was. I hurt so many people from being so apathetic and it kills me now because I understand what I did. He’s now with a pretty girl and I am happy for them. They will make beautiful babies one day.