My First Love: The Demise

I received a text from The Ex yesterday. 

I expected it to be a message in all caps demanding me to take down the post. Instead, it was a flood of compliments about my blog. 

“You’re an incredible writer, Megan. Great narrative voice. It’s so beautifully heartfelt and delicate and real. It shows how in touch you are with yourself. “

That meant a lot coming from him because he’s in the entertainment industry and he sees shit like this all the time. 

It got me feeling like Rick Ross on his birthday:

 

Anyways, here is the last of my story. Enjoy.

Oh yeah, ps: sometimes the words are misspelled and it’s because I use a dictation app to write on my phone. So sorry if it’s sometimes confusing.

——————–

“Go. Away.”, I whispered, my eyes fixated on the blank white wall in front of me.

“What the fuck is going on with you?”, he quizzed and sat on the bed. 

“You need to leave. I don’t want to tell you. “

He held his head up with his hands resting on his temples.

“Megan, I love you and I need to know what’s going on. I’m here for you. It’s okay. “

I lit up another cigarette. I knew he hated the smell of it and I hoped that it would make him want to leave. Tears began to weld up in my eyes.

“Please. I don’t want you to see me like this. “

He inch closer to me and I squirmed away.

“I MEAN IT, GO AWAY”, I shouted.

“MEGAN, NO!”

“FUCKING LEAVE!”

“NO!”

Finally, I couldn’t take it anymore and I burst out into tears in front of him. I told him what happened and I explained how I hate crying in front of people. I didn’t want him to view me as a weakling. 

He scoffed. 

“Megan, you are the strongest person I know. It’s okay to cry and to feel things. That’s what humans do. Without feelings, we are savages. I want you to feel everything with me.”

So we sat together for two hours and I poured my heart out to him. I was terrified. I expected him to bolt for the door at any moment. He didn’t. He just listened and nodded while running his fingers through my hair. He officially removed the barrier that day. This changed me forever.

I was no longer numb.

I felt everything.

We were inseparable for the next couple of months. It was The Ex who actually got me to stop doing coke. There’s a couple things about our relationship that I do have to leave out per his request but we were planning to be married one day. We always joked about just going to the courthouse and getting it over with. We had this life plan where we wanted to travel the world and not have kids. Deep down, I think we realized that we were too selfish to care for anyone else besides each other.

We hit some kind of wall in late April. The Ex’s career started to take off and he was doing really well. With his newfound success, he had a lot more responsibility and wasn’t as attentive to me. He began working late and I was extremely frustrated. I wasn’t really doing anything with my life during this time and I think I was jealous of him. He had everything figured out and I was just floating. We began to fight more and more.

I did something in May that I would never forgive myself for.

I cheated.

I feel like my readers are going to have mixed feelings about me now. Some of you may hate me too. I understand what I did was horrible and I want to die after it happened. I was disgusted with myself. How could I cheat on him and throw everything away? 

I told him later that day. I was crying and apologizing over and over. I knew this was the end.

He was angry. He paced around the room for a bit and was silent. I watched him with my mascara-streaked face, dying to know what he would say next.

He finally sat down and began with a sigh, “I understand. I know I’ve been so busy at work and I haven’t been there for you. I forgive you but never do it again. “

I felt relief then confusion. It seemed like he was just glossing over the problem. Did he really love me as much as he used to or did he just feel too deep and too comfortable with me to leave?

I began asking myself that question, too.

We went back to being our normal selves but clearly something had changed. There was an elephant in the room. I still continued to be with him because I was extremely conflicted. I don’t know what I wanted.

I finally decided I needed some space and I would go spend the summer in New York City. He wasn’t happy with my decision but he supported it. He held me the night before I left and told me he loved me. I told him I loved him too. I honestly did but I don’t think I was as in love with him as I once was. He drove me to the airport the next morning and I cried because I knew that it was over as soon as I stepped onto the plane to New York.

First day in New York

   

We talked a couple times during the week. Neither of us ever mentioned any kind of break up. I think we were both too scared to say it. We had reached A level of comfortability together that we had never felt with anyone else before. 

The calls began to dwindle and we spoke maybe only once a week. I presumed that was over and I started to check out other guys. I met a guy that I really clicked with and we would always walk the city together. One day, he slipped his hand into mine and I didn’t pull away. It felt good to be touched by a man again.

The Ex and I were barely speaking and when we did, it ended it a tone filled with resentment. It was like we were still trying to water a dead flower. We couldn’t bring the magic back. Everything had changed for us.

The formal break up came in August when we were on the phone arguing. He was pissed at me that I didn’t call him the day after his birthday.

I blurted out, “I just don’t give a fuck anymore. I’m so done with this! We don’t even love each other anymore!”

He was quiet and I held my breath.

“You’re absolutely right, Megan”

Click.

I debated what to do next. I wanted to call him back and apologize but I also didn’t at the same time. I didn’t want to be dragged back down into that rabbit hole again. There’s nothing we could do and that was that.

I heard from him a month later in September. I had began seeing a new guy, J, but it was only two weeks in and it wasn’t serious at all. He lived close to me in Tribeca and I love listening to him talk. He was so smart and funny.

The Ex texted me: hey

I texted back: hey

We got to talking and he informed me that he would be in New York that weekend and asked if I wanted to get a drink with him. I told him I had dinner plans but would meet him afterwards. I went to dinner that night with a couple friends at Wolfgang’s and completely lost track of time. One of my friends was a stickler about having phones on the table so we all had to put them facedown in the middle. I was supposed to meet him at 10:30 and when I checked my phone I thought it was almost 11! He had texted me asking where I was and then just telling me to meet him at his hotel. 

We paid the check and I hopped in a cab. It’s about eight minutes to get to his hotel and I took the elevator up to the designated floor. 

I stood in front of his door for a good four minutes. I didn’t know if this was such a good idea. I still loved him but I wasn’t in love with him anymore. I didn’t want either of us to get hurt but I wondered if I would regret not seeing him.

Knock, knock.

He answered and his white button up, untied tie, and boxers. It was the Valentino tie that I had bought him for Valentine’s Day. He had called it the “power tie” because of how presidential it looked. I felt warm inside seeing him wear it.

“Hey baby. “, He yawned.

I smiled and bit my lip.

“Hi”, I whispered shyly.

He grabbed my waist and pulled me inside. It reminded me of the first night we ever slept together and I want to relive it again. We kissed against the door and he held my arms above my head, Christian Grey style. We had incredible reunion sex and fell asleep with our legs draped over eachother. I woke up to the sound of him brushing his teeth the next morning. I had wanted to rewind that night and do it over and over. It felt amazing to have our bodies touching again. He kissed every inch of my body in a way that he hadn’t since the past December. 

I rolled over onto the pillow and inhaled his signature scent. I wanted to bring the pillow case with me.

He noticed me waking up and smiled.

“I missed waking up next to you”, he said.

We engaged in more small talk and I knew he had a meeting that afternoon it was flying out that night. I had things to do that day as well so I got up and put my clothes back on. We held hands as we walked downstairs to the uber he had called. 

We stared at each other and felt that connection again. It was electrifying. He hugged me tightly and told me he loved me before I hopped in the car. “Strawberry Fields Forever” played on the radio and a single tear drifted down my face. I let it slide and land on my black Sandro dress I had worn the night before. 

Let me take you down/ cause I’m going to strawberry fields/ Nothing is real/ And nothing to get hung about.

We continue to talk for the next two months and I decided to move back to LA in late October to be with him. This was our second chance. How lucky were we to even have a second chance!?

Within a week, I regretted moving back when I noticed how occupied with work he still was. He was busier than he had ever been before. It was like we were together but not at the same time because I barely saw him. I started slipping back into my bulimia at the time and was extremely down.

I actually have a journal entry from that time. It’s a photo of me as a child and a photo of The Ex and I below it. I had captioned the first picture, “will I ever be this happy and innocent again? “.

The photo of The Ex and I reads, “Will we ever get back to where we once were? “

  

I decided to move back home in December because it was time for me to be with my family. I had barely seen them since I was 15 and I needed their unconditional love. I told him of this and he was very upset.

“You are running away again? “, Was his response. 

Yes, I was running away again. We had our shot at love. It was over for good this time.

I was scheduled to leave on December 8 at 12 AM so I went to his place during the day. It was all too familiar to me. This was our new routine: the day before we ever depart for somewhere, we try to sew up any loose ends. 

We watched a movie and made love for the last time. I called a car and told him I wanted to take the elevator down alone. We stared at each other like we had a New York but this time we didn’t have puppy love in our eyes.

We had a silent understanding of what the afternoon had been for us and our relationship.

Closure.

I would never take back or redo anything with The Ex. He taught me so much about myself and life in general. He taught me how to love. For that, I am forever grateful of the time we spent together. One day, I know he’s going to find another girl and fall in love with her and build a home and life with her. Six months ago, that thought would have killed me and now I’m fine with it. I’ve let go. All I want is for him to find someone that makes him feel the way that Brandon makes me feel. I want him to be happy.

X,

Megan


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